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Touhou Love Stories: The Bad Ends (first thread)

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This thread started the series of fan fiction threads concentrated around love stories gone wrong. All stories are not collected or preserved, instead the messages are pasted here mostly as a result of majority vote.

The first message is the OP that started it all.

Touhou Love Stories: The Bad Ends (by Nameless Fairy, 2008-02-23)

So, if a normal human man(or woman if you like) finds himself/herself in a relationship with one of the touhou girls, how will he/she die a terrible death?

For example: Reimu

The Story: You finally decided to confess to that lovely shrine maiden who paid a visit to village every week. She seemed somewhat uninterested and calmly said to you:"Well, I accept. Why not? That makes you my boyfriend now. Now there are things I want other than you hanging around all day. You know what? I WANT MONIES, THE LOTS OF THEM, AND I WANT THEM NOW! You are gonna work hard from now on, because you know what? If I don't receive the money I need everyday, next time when I come, I may be sad and WON'T BOTHER LETTING YOU LIVE YOU MOTHERFUCKER! WTF ARE YOU WAITING NOW, FUCK OFF AND EARN SOME FUCKING MONIES RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!"

The End: You worked 24/7 since that fateful day, and died one week after your confession due to exhaustion.

Chen (by E-Mouse, 2008-02-23)

The Story: It turns out a mid-puberty catgirl that goes out unsupervised on a regular basis is pretty easy to seduce.

The End: She tells Ran.

Mini-Hakkero (by E-Mouse, 2008-02-23)

The Story: Marisa got drunk and left it unattended one evening, and it's just the right size...

Teh End: Somehow, climax sets it off in the wrong direction.

Cirno (by Nameless Fairy, 2008-02-23)

You mange to get her to be you GF easily, not to mention she has no idea what a GF is.

Bad end: you in a relationship with Cirno!

Letty (by Nameless Wraith Sealed in a Cursed Book, 2008-02-25)

The Story: You had always been the sort to love the wintertime. The lack of activity in an agrarian village certainly didn't hurt, since this was a time to relax and be with friends and family. Still, you couldn't help but be more enamored with the sights of the season than the average man or woman who saw the season as dreary. This was especially true when it came to the spirit of the season, whose oftentimes lonely and forlorn visage would wrench at your heart with an iron fist.

One day, when the ice fairy had gone off to play with the cat, bird, and insect youkai, you approach her. She truly is a kindly and lonesome soul, spending most of her life completely alone, and it gives her a serene air that you find irresistable. Your love for her deepens, as you spend the year working and waiting for the welcome you will give her upon her return the next Winter.

The next year, it is more than you can stand, so you take a massive gamble: You beg of the fearsome gap youkai to take you to wherever it is that Letty goes in the non-Winter months, that you could ensure that she would never face such lonesome times again. With some flattery, and plenty of bribing, she consents.

You go through the gap with some trepidation, but when you see the look upon Letty's face, you become certain that, no matter the consequences of your actions, this moment would surely be worth them all. You spend the rest of the Spring, all of Summer, and all of Fall in her scenic wintery world, warming yourselves with each other's company. Good news ensues in the late Fall, as you descover to your delight that Letty is now with child.

The End: As she fades away in late December, you realize too late that only she can leave her hidden world. Worse still, you realize that without Letty occupying this world, it ceases to exist... along with everything - everyone in it. Letty, coming back with the Spring, is beside herself in her horror at slaying the man she loved, and the tragedy continues as she bears her child before the next Winter. Unable to bear coming back once more to a barren, lifeless world, she takes her own life just before she would bridge the gap.

BAD END; Where's your Prozac, NOW?! AAAAHAHAHAHHAAaa

Alternate ending by Ice ⑨

Alternate story: Always a lover of the colder season (for example: No GIANT FUCKING BEEEEEES!), you were naturally inclined to seek out Letty. To your surprise, she was readily accepting and ready to hit it off. Maybe she was just less picky because of all the fat comments. Poor girl. The end: You end up traumatized and unable to have sex after she melts during your first time, and in your grief thinking you killed her, you off yourself.

Alternate ending by Nameless Fairy

You are in love with an fat chick. BAD END

Sakuya (by E-mouse, 2008-02-25)

The Story: As the designated "marketer" son of a farming family in the human village, you've seen many an interesting sight in the market square, especially when civil youkai show up to shop. However, nothing has ever caught your eye more than the silver-haired maid that appears every few weeks, shopping for basic foodstuffs. She always looked so sad and cold, speaking in an elegant, soft voice only to ask for her purchases. She never smiled, but you knew that hers would be beautiful, if only she would open up.

Smitten, you soon learn her visiting schedule, arriving at the market before dawn to claim the stall she always passed by first and offering her impossibly good deals (covered out of your own pocket, naturally), all to hear the sweet sound of her voice for that fleeting moment each month.

After almost a year, one day you see her approaching with a slight spring in her step - an impossibility against her stoic nature. But, you call her over for the monthly deal, and flash her an extra smile as you hand over the foodstuffs. She studies your face for a moment, and slowly smiles back, as gorgeous as you had ever imagined it.

"Thank you."

Your knees give way beneath you, collapsing on the stall counter. She hesitates, just long enough for you to stagger back to your feet and blurt out a long-overdue confession. The maid gives you a look of polite confusion, and smiles again.

"Very well, I will ask the mistress of the house if you may visit."

You sleep poorly that night, impossibly anxious about the result. But, you claim the same stall by morning, and by mid-afternoon the maid returns and marches right up to the stall. She asks you to meet her outside of the village at nightfall, which is agreed to without question. That evening, she leads you on a quiet walk through the forest, over to the massive scarlet mansion by a lake several miles away. You work up the courage to ask a few small questions, and learn that her name is Sakuya. A beautiful name, for a beautiful woman.

At the mansion, You pass by a nervous youkai doorguard dressed in some sort of green Chinese outfit, who calls out a greeting but goes unrecognized by Sakuya. Well, that's the usual for her, after all.

Inside the mansion, Sakuya leads you up to the second floor, and finally opens a large set of double doors to reveal a beautifully-furnished western bedroom, lit with a small lantern and complete with a large double bed. Your heart quickens immediately - surely she was lonely?

Sakuya quietly steps towards the bed, and you follow after only a moment's hesitation. After taking a few steps into the room, she vanishes.

The lantern promptly goes out. A soft click comes from behind you as the door is closed, and then a thud as a bolt locks it tight.

"A fresh meal for you, mistress." Sakuya's voice calls out from the other side of the door, cold and emotionless.

"Excellent. I feel positively famished tonight..."

You hear leathery wings unfold somewhere in the darkness, and catch a glimpse of bright red eyes staring at you.

Moments later, terrible claws rake along your side. You fall to the ground with a cry of pain, only to be pounced on and held down by something small, yet impossibly strong. Something sharp bites into your neck, and you struggle wildly, but your attacker merely mutters something about holding still and claws at your chest.

Several distant snaps are the last thing you hear, as your ribcage is torn apart...

BAD END Next time, try to find out more about your crushes!

Sakuya (by Nameless Wraith Sealed in a Cursed Book, 2008-02-25)

The Story: As a reclusive Hikkikomori in the outside world, you have always had one dream in mind to keep you company at night: That one day, you would meet a beautiful, strongwilled, and dead sexy woman that would be willing to look past 'skin-deep' appearances, and see the 'real you' on the inside. However, finally driven to absolute poverty by your inability to keep a steady job, thanks to your social ineptitude, and your horrible, horrible loneliness, you consider simply ending it all.

Such thoughts, however, are soon interrupted by a wave of strange sensations blowing through you, as a hole in the space inside your tiny apartment room is torn open, revealing an endless miasma pockmarked only by massive, inhuman eyes that seemingly stare straight through you.

"It'S aBoUt TiMe I fInD oNe, I'vE bEeN lOoKiNg FoR aLmOsT tEn MiNuTeS!" Cried out an otherworldy and young looking woman in a voice with surreal inflections. "HuRrY uP, rAn. FaStEr We'Re DoNe WiTh ThE qUoTa, FaStEr I gO bAcK tO sLeEp."

A tall, powerfully built, yet still quite alluring woman with unusual clothing and a massive array of luxuriously soft-looking red tails tumbles from the miasma, and quickly uses your computer, putting directions to the nearest cliff facing the sea up on the screen, and placing a letter from an enveloped clearly marked "pre-made suicide notes" on the table. Before the true weight of what is happening sinks in, you are hurtled into, and through, the bizzare miasma swirling in your room.

Once the seeming momentary eternity passes, you are ejected onto the floor of one of the most impressive kitchens you have ever seen. You are spilled out in front of a girl whose mere appearance impacts your soul like a sledgehammer. You quickly scramble to your feet to stand at attention before the most perfectly sexy woman you have ever seen. She dons an elegant smile in spite of what seem to be rather acidic words that you can hardly even recognize as being said in your stupor. Something about keeping the mistress waiting. Mistress? Oh, she is dressed in a classic, stereotypical maid's uniform. A very tight-fitting one, at that.

Having finished her conversation with the now-vanished woman of the miasma, she turns to you. You muster every ounce of courage inside of your frame to stammer out a garbled greeting.

"H-hel-HELLO! I'm... I'm in love... WHO might you be?"

A coldness seeps through your gut as you cringe at the horrible showing you have given yourself, but the woman merely breaks open the thin line between her lips, and lets out a small, ladylike laugh. "Sakuya," she simply says.

A wet warmth trickles down your legs. Feeling a sudden fear of embaressing yourself further, you look down in shock. What you see is not a nervous release, but the handle and back of a long, vicous blade that has stuck you against the wall like a pig on a spit. A bizzare web of strings tubes fly off of the blood gutters of the blade, somehow pulling the precious drops of your lifeblood away.

"Do you like it? It's brand new, the design of our resident bookworm. The mistress, she prefers only the blood of still-living guests to the mansion. The efficiency with which this knife can extract blood, while keeping our guests alive is simply remarkable. Magic truly is a wonderous thing."

All at once, the pain that somehow had been too dulled by the shear violence of the impact for you to immediately recognize fires into your brain like a rocket, threatening to cause your skull to explode in indescribable agony.

The woman who called herself Sakuya lifts a finger from the hand that held the blade, and slowly, achingly demurely, licks away a stray drop of blood.

"It's time, though... You have quite a good cut of beef inside of you. Tender, unworked muscle, and a thick, fatty flank." With a wonderful smile, and a teasing light kiss, she wrenches the blade from your torso, and fillets you.


The End: "I'm sorry to keep you waiting mistress, but I can assure you that this recepie of tea will be most exquisite."

Suwako (by Nameless Wraith Sealed in a Cursed Book, 2008-02-25)

The Story: Hearing of the goddesses of the Moriya shrine, both of their looks, and of their miraculous abilities, you decide to make the pilgrimage up to their shrine. You are immediately impressed by the immaculate place of worship, and the refined, polite miko who lives there. Certainly, it was nothing like the time you went to the Hakurei shrine, only to trip over a hole in the stonework covered up by debris, get griped at by the lazing miko, and eventually chased off by a drunken oni girl.

What most lingered in your mind, however, was the young goddess you caught a glimpse of near the back of the shrine. She said that she was too busy at the moment to speak with you, but you decided to come back at another time to see her again.

Again and again you came to the shrine, and eventually you managed to find ways to slip into her overworked schedule. Suwako, as the goddess was named, was nice enough, but to be honest, she didn't seem interested in much of anything, simply letting events pass her by as though she weren't a part of the world at all.

She didn't care until one day in the spring, that is. When you arrived at the shrine that day, she seemed to be half-asleep. Your greeting pleasantries, however, were met with a very different reaction. Suwako lazily padded over to you, and then leaned over you, a bright red flushing her face, as she dreamily looked up into your eyes.

"Ah. That's what it is. It's the time of the mating season again, isn't it?"

As you futilely try to comprehend the words she has just spoken, she puts all her weight onto your shoulders, and you spill over onto the floor.

"Heh, you're a nice boy. Well, being a nice boy isn't everything a woman wants, you know. Sometimes it takes being a little aggressive."

She demonstrates her own aggression by stripping you down before you can decide whether or not to mount any kind of defense against her advances, and has you mounted.

You were wrong about something, you realize. She may be small, but she's very much a mature woman with plenty of experience. Experience that was put to very good use upon you.

You hardly even leave the shrine for the next period of time, coming to see Suwako more and more, and enjoying this sudden change in her.

However, though you notice another change coming, you fail to recognize its true implications. You awake one day to find yourself lying prone, with Suwako atop your back. Bizarre sounds, not terribly unlike the sounds of your lovemaking echo in the shrine's personal quarters. A warm, sticky feeling mixes with a sting and a terrible sense of wrongness from behind you.

The End: In frogs, the fertilized eggs are laid into the male's back for protection and feeding. In a human, these are as parasites, feasting upon your eternal organs before exploding out from you, slaying you most painfully.

Merlin Prismriver (by EZMode, 2008-02-25)

The Story: You've always heard of the Phantom Ensemble and their performances at the flower viewings in the Netherworld. Ever since the Border of Life and Death was weakened, residents regularly travel to Hakugyokurou yearly for the lavish parties held there, human and youkai alike. You've never personally been there before, but you've recently made friends with some others that attend regularly for being on good terms with the Hakurei miko. They invite you along as a guest. You accept gladly.

The event is truly unlike anything you've seen before back at your village. The garden is enormous, and there are even festival stalls set up along one of the main roads leading to the palatial shrine itself. Ghosts, youkai and humans alike are all mingling, having a good time without fear of each other, Human children playing with fairies, and even the drunkard oni is here, holding an impromptu drinking contest with several large men, all of whom seem on the verge of collapsing. You spend some time looking around and enjoying the atmosphere, when you hear an announcement that the concert is about to begin. The crowd starts moving like an ocean made of flesh, flocking towards a large but dead looking cherry tree. On the small stage in front of it are three girls, each of them dressed in a similar outfit, and each accompanied by an instrument floating lazily in the air next to them. After some brief introductions, they begin to play, backed up by several other ghosts making a ring around the stage, with a variety of instruments.

It's the most fantastic music you've ever heard, but even more so, you find you can't take your eyes off of the girl in center stage, between the violinist and keyboardist. The rest of the orchestra seems to fade out as you focus on her, the enchanting melody of the song seeming to echo throughout the world. You snap out of your trance when you notice her looking at you, and the rest of the concert fades back in. It lasts for nearly two hours before it ends with a performance of what the three call their 'theme song'.

The crowd disperses slowly, but you push forward, desperate to talk to the blue haired girl. You reach the stage and call out for her attention, you only barely manage to get her attention, but it's enough. To your surprise, she agrees to talk to you for a short while afterwards.

You learn her name is Merlin, and the other two were her sisters, Lunasa and Lyrica. She mentions she saw you staring at her, and you give an embarrassed apology. She only gives a small laugh in return, telling you that she doesn't mind the attention.

"I'm just glad someone was looking at me for once."

Her words surprise you. You learn that they hold a concert here every year, though they sometimes get special requests from others to perform at certain events. You don't want to wait that long however, and ask if there's any way you could hear her perform again.

"Y-you want to hear me play? I'm not very good alone though..."

You assure her that you sincerely want to hear her play again. She seems to be happy beyond words. She confides in you the location of their house, which is hidden among the hills beyond the Scarlet Devil lake. It takes quite some time to reach, but you'd go any distance at this point. The two of you spend some more time together during the flower viewing, only to part ways when her sisters come looking for her.

Several days after the party, when everyone has returned to their regular lives, you set out to find the Prismriver house. The directions Merlin gave you are quite exact, as you manage to find the house easily following the journey along the banks of the lake. Merlin greets you happily at the door and tells you her sisters are out seeking inspiration for a new song. As promised, she performs for you again. You can tell she's slightly nervous from having to go solo, but you enjoy it none the less. You spend more time at the house, talking with her and getting to know her better. Before long, you're visiting regularly, and Lyrica and Lunasa become aware of the growing relationship with their sister. The two sisters gladly give you their blessing.

Weeks turn to months, and you find yourself visiting almost daily, and occasionally staying several nights at a time, enjoying every moment with Merlin. You're also quite surprised to learn just how tangible she is for a supposed phantom, and the kinds of things she can do to make your love life even more exotic. You feel you've truly attained happiness, and you know the feeling is mutual.

The End: You wake up one morning in the Prismriver house, only to discover the one-in-a-million Berserk Merlin. The last thing you see is a large blue beam of light descend upon you.

Shikieiki (by S. Ruro, 2008-02-25)

The story: You've always been intrigued by the laws of morality and fascinated by the idea of judgement and sin. Unfortunately, you are killed in a freak car accident while walking out of the library one day. When you open your eyes, you see a dark sky, with plenty of cloud cover. The rocking motion beneath your back upsets you, and you sit up hurriedly.

"Hey, you'll rock the boat!" a voice exclaims. You see that there is a person in a long, ragged black cloak and hood standing at the helm of the small boat that you're in. He turns, and you find out that 'he' is really a 'she'; the redheaded girl grins at you cheerfully. "Ah, don't worry about it. My Titanic will get you to Higan eventually!"

"Higan?" you ask confusedly, noticing that you can see your own breath. You've never heard of such a place before. And more importantly... "Wait, I thought I died!"

"You did," she says offhandedly, continuing to row her boat down the stream. "But your soul has taken a detour. We're heading to the courts of paradise now. My boss, Lady Eiki-sama, wanted to talk to you."

You say nothing and merely hunker down in the boat for warmth. After about fifteen minutes, you arrive at the banks of the Sanzu no Kawa river, where a green-haired young woman awaits. She's dressed in a strange but oddly formal uniform, with a too-large helm atop her brow. She is, however, utterly beautiful, and your breath catches in your throat.

"Good job, Komachi," she says in a firm, but soft voice. "You're dismissed."

"Welcome, Eiki!" Komachi says with a wave, then rows off. You're now alone on the banks of Higan with the green-haired young woman.

She bows slightly. "Forgive me for pulling your soul here. My name is Shikieiki Yamaxanadu, and I am known as the lawful judge of paradise. I brought you here because I am... interested in your potential. Please, come with me."

Over the course of the next few months, you spend time with your new tutor, learning the ropes of judgement of souls. You enjoy her compny more and more, and find that Shikieiki is truly a kind, wonderful young woman. But after a while, you notice that your master appears more and more haggard every time you see her. You say nothing, but you are worried for her.

Then one day, while you're sitting in your room in the Higan residential quarters, Shikieiki abruptly rushes in and simply starts crying into your shirt. Confused, you hold her as she confides her insecurities to you, her remorse and regret at having sent so many souls to hell over the years.

Then, when she's done, she looks up at you, her green eyes rimmed red with tears.

"I'm sorry... but I can't make you my successor. I can't make you live like this... I can't curse anyone else with this burden... goodbye."

In a flash of green, you're back in your real world, alone and solitary once more. After a while, out of desperation, you throw yourself off of a bridge, only to awaken once more. But this time, you're standing in a cage of bones, and Shikieiki herself stands before you, up on her pedestal and wearing the helm of the Yama. You are in the court of the lawful judge of paradise.

She looks at you sadly. "Suicide is the throwing away of life. It is the ultimate sin. You knew that. I'm sorry--" and here, a single tear spills down her cheek.

Then her face turns hard.

"--but, to Hell you go!" she cries. Beside you, Komachi swings a lever, and you feel yourself tumbling down a long shaft.

It gets hotter as you go...


Mystia (by Nameless Wraith Sealed in a Cursed Book, 2008-02-25)

Foraging for wild roots and nuts one day, you accidentally become lost in the woods away from the village. As darkness falls, and you still have yet to find your way back to the village, fear sticks its icy claw into your gut. These woods are not safe at all after dark. Carefully, cautiously, you wind your way around overly rambunctious fairies playing danmaku with one another, and give wide berth to a dancing swirl of fireflies with some likely highly dangerous girl playing in the midst of them. Desperation sets in, as even the light of the moon seems less and less sufficient to find your way. Have you gone so far into the woods that the trees have blocked almost all light?

A sudden wave of relief hits you as you hear a beautiful voice echo through the woods. You can somehow manage to discern where it comes from, and decide for reasons that aren't clear to you to follow the voice. Though the voice is wondrous, the lyrics of the song are... well, odd. At the very least, you are comforted by the fact that the voice is extolling the wonders of eating eel, rather than human flesh, and press on in hopes of finding someone who might help guide you home.

You stumble through the brambles, and can finally dimly make out what appears to be a small food stand. Even the lantern lights of this apparently grilled eel stand seems impossibly dim. A young woman with odd clothes and strange wings flips skewers of eel over the grill.

"Oh, traveler, traveler, bloodied red, red~. He looks like he's scared out of his heady head~. It's dark, too dark, indeed, for human eyes, eyes~. But I'm selling a cure. It's true, no lies lies~. All you need is to eat some tasty eel, eel~ It’s the wondrous night blindness curing meal, meal~!

Sight returns with great speed, speed~. Trust it, it's guaranteed, teed~!"

“I remember reading something about this,” you mumble, “aren’t you the one that’s causing this night-blindness in the first place?”

“Hee hee. Yes, and you’re absolutely right, right~, But eat, or you’ll stay blind all night, night~.” Keeping your thoughts about the absurdity of the lyrics, much less the attempt to carry on a conversation, in the song, you resign yourself to eating the food of this suspicious youkai.

Your vision suspiciously, immediately improves.

In spite of yourself, you enjoy the meal. Eel is an odd food, but she’s quite the cook, and if you don’t listen to the words, her singing’s rather relaxing and graceful. You stay a while, and get into a conversation. You get along so well that she offers food on the house.

You, however, refuse, saying that such an offer is much too generous. Such ingredients are hard to come by, and you would be horribly embarrassed to be in such a debt to a girl working as hard as she is. (Avoid Bad End #1!)

Reaching into your pockets, you realize that you were traveling a little light, as what you had planned to be a quick gathering expedition has turned into almost an overnight stay. Feeling more than a little sheepish, you ask if you could, perhaps, exchange some of the wild vegetables or nuts you had gathered to help pay for a portion of the food. Although she is somewhat tempted by the nuts, you come up with an alternate plan.

Starting from that day, you help to sell grilled eel inside of the village. It’s something of a commute between the two places, but sales of eel are surprisingly good, especially since the rather landlocked humans are too afraid of youkai to go out for more than shoreline seafood. She quickly starts to raise significantly more money for feeding her ‘extended family’ with grain using a direct approach instead of trying to trick wayward wanderers.

Eventually, your partnership is strengthened in a far more personal way, as the two of you progress from friends to lovers. You come to love her silly way of singing through conversations, and her perpetually cheerful, tricksterish ways. You start to grow into the habits of a youkai, sleeping most of the day away. Every evening you spend with her, you feel like a child again.

Later in the night, however, the two of you are entirely adult. In the mornings, you take her up in your arms, her frame almost terrifyingly light. In your bed, she sings, too. It’s incredible, the sensation of her wordless voice, and the sensation of her body meld in a harmony that melt through everything else in your mind.

It’s something that takes getting used to, but Mystia swells up quickly, and comes to lay your eggs in a nest-like futon at her home in the forest. You have to take more and more time away from the human village to stay with your unborn children, and keep the eggs warm, and working on adding more eggs to the nest.

The End: Then it all changed. A pair of ghostly girls came crashing through the forest, laying waste to everything that moved. They brutally murdered fairy after fairy, even ones who put up no fight whatsoever. You tried to stop her, but Mystia leapt out to stop them from harming the woodland home of her fellow birds. She tried to use her night blindness ability and her ability to call upon other youkai upon the leader ghost, but to your horror, you see the green-silver streak of the younger-looking girl invader dart behind your lover, and cruelly skewer her from behind. Blood and yolk from her most recent unlaid eggs mix in streams pouring off of her quickly drenched dress, as her wonderful voice cracked and fell into a bloody gurgle.

“Youmu~. That looks so tasty, why don’t we stop for a bit to have something to eat.”

As you wildly stumbled forward, coming close to the green-and-silver girl far too late, the girl twists ever-so-slightly. Her forearm darted out in a blur, backhanding you through the wall of Mystia’s home without her ever even turning to face you. You crumpled into a ball, broken in body and soul.

“Yuyuko-sama, we really need to manage our time better. We can’t stop for eating every ten minutes if we are to ever complete our task.”

“But You~mu~, there’s even an empty yakitori stand below us. The oven still has some coals smoldering. Just fire it back up.”

The girl called Youmu sighs, and says, “Yes, Yuyuko-sama.” To your indescribable horror, she lifted your still-struggling lover up, and threw her down upon the grill, cooking her alive after rekindling the flames.

The ghost called Yuyuko giggled with glee as she tears the arm off of Mystia. Once the songbird youkai’s gurgling scream of terror died down, the ghost said, “It’s lovely to cook yakitori like this. It sears all the juices right in!”

“Ah! I just remembered.” The ghost then said. “That girl had eggs! Let’s have omelettes, Youmu, omelettes!”

Youmu disinterestedly floated over the hollowed out husk of your dispirited body, to take away your unborn children, and crack them over a skillet. “Ick. They were fertilized.” The light in the eyes of Mystia then went out, drowned in her tears of horror and sorrow.

“You can’t be so picky, Youmu. I just think of it as extra protein.”

“I can’t make myself believe you think of what you eat at all, my lady.”

“Well, that’s not true at all, Youmu! A girl must always think of what she eats! If she doesn’t, she’ll lose her girlish figure!”

“I don’t even want to start arguing with that, my lady.”


After enjoying their macabre meal, they finally left you to your puddle of ineffectual tears.

After a seeming eternity, though you could no longer understand rational concepts like time in your state, another pair slowly floated through the night.

“Ah! RaN, lOoK! tHeRe’S oNe! ThAt CoUnTs, DoEsN’t It?”

”Yukari-sama, aren’t the rules that we are only supposed to take humans from the outside world?”

“BaH, rUlEs, ShMuLeS. iT fIlLs ThE qUoTa.”

A purple miasma rips the ground out from under you, as you are flailed about through a bizarre sub-space. You are ejected onto the floor of the most impressive kitchen you have ever seen. A maid turns to look at you with a pretty and elegant smile. In her hands is the most wicked-looking knife you have ever seen.


Suika (by Raiyt, 2008-02-25)

You are a proud warrior in East Asia, serving a most charismatic and ambitious young warlord by the name of Temujin. In his glorious unification of his ancestral homeland, you serve him with the might and energy of a hundred men. After the most magnificent of battles, you see a strange distortion of space, where two oddly clothed women, one who somehow appears to have several large furry tails, are dragging exhausted sleeping soldiers. You, knowing no fear, charge towards the women full bore. However, you misjudge the distortion, falling through time and space.

When you finally gather your wits, you find yourself in a strange world, one you gather must be tales of the land far to the east beyond the sea. You find you have landed in a place called "Hakurei Shrine", and that the lady in charge is a miko by the name of Reimu. She's rather annoyed by your less than pleasant smell and tendency to devour a small feast at one sitting. Worse yet, you don't have any of this "money" stuff she keeps going on about. She mutters under her breath how you must be another "oni".

Upon those words, a young girl with horns sticking out of her head leaps at you and pins you to the ground. "Another oni!" she squeals with delight. The two of you certainly seem sure to get along well together.

As time passes, you enjoy the company of this young oni girl by the name of Suika. Even your remarkable strength is easily matched by this girl, and her tolerance for alcohol outdoes even your own. She loves competition, and you find yourself exhausted, bruised, with many hangovers, and with a very sore pelvis (Although you agree that both of you won that competition very much.), and you couldn't imagine a greater reward for a warrior who must have been slain in battle and granted the delights of the heavens.

One hot summer's day, you mention to Suika that the sun is a terrible thing, far too hot and far too bright. She agrees, and insists you two get drunk in order to cool down. Her answer for everything, and not a bad one at that. After what seems to be endless amounts of this liquor she calls "sake", you get a brilliant idea. "I should punch the sun!" you exclaim. Suika agrees emphatically. However, you sadly remember that humans cannot fly, and you just can't quite reach the sun to punch it, even though you try for a full hour. Suika then has a brilliant idea of her own. She will use her awesome strength to throw you at the sun, so you can punch it.

You fly through the air so fast, you are shocked to find that up in the sky really high, everything is black with a bunch of tiny spots of light. There doesn't seem to be any air up here... However, the woman you saw on that fateful day peeks her head at you, somehow traveling at the same speed you are, and explains briefly "Mongols are like Batman. You can breathe in space." What this means, you never manage to find out. As you reach the sun, you punch it with all your might. Or rather, you fly into the sun with your fist mightily stretched out. Even a mighty Mongol quickly burns to a crisp when he lands on the sun.

Suika has realized this, far too late. She's sad that her new friend is gone. However, the freak occurrence of a total solar eclipse the next day warms her heart. You really did beat the crap out of the sun after all.

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